What Binds Us Together, What Sets Us Free -- Part I

“What Binds us Together, What Sets us Free”    Part I                

Rev. Laura Bogle            March 5, 2017

In our Opening Words this morning, Rev. Alice Blair Wesley says:

“A covenanted free church is a body of individuals who have freely made a profoundly simple promise, a covenant: We pledge to walk together in the spirit of mutual love.”

How is it that we can call ourselves covenanted – bound together by a promise—and free at the same time?

If we are bound together, how can we be free?

Depends on what we mean by “free.”

In 2000 Alice Blair Wesley gave a series of six whole lectures on covenant in our Unitarian Universalist tradition – they are called the Minns lectures and I commend them to you.  In them she traced the history of our covenanted free churches back to the first Congregationalist churches founded in the New England colonies in the 1600’s.  In particular, she tells the story of the organization of the First Church of Dedham, MA, in 1637.  It was a new town, and the people there gathered for weeks of conversation about whether and how they might form a congregation for the town, sharing and listening in a fashion that sounds very much like the way we run our Circles of Trust—giving everyone a chance to speak, each person’s perspective a chance to stand alongside another’s even if they differ.

Wesley says, “These laypeople’s central conclusion, from all these weeks of discussion, was this: Members of their new free church should be joined in a covenant of religious loyalty to the spirit of love.”  [which, to be clear, at that time they understood through the biblical account of the life and teachings of Jesus]

But this was a big deal – this church did not require members give account for a particular belief, but to only be loyal to the spirit of love as they saw it, experienced it, not as individuals, but together.

The congregation as it was formed was not controlled by or subordinate to some other religious body somewhere else—no bishop or pope. 

The church was the people who made it up, accountable to each other, and also accountable to sibling congregations.  This is what we today call congregational polity – which simply means having a democratic structure, with the highest authority resting with the local church, in relationship with other local churches.  Wesley argues that that structure of organizing a congregation simply grew out of and reflected the theological perspective of the people who formed them—namely a covenantal theology.  That the two cannot be separated.

If you look up the word covenant in the dictionary you will find words like “contract” or “binding agreement.”  Is this the way we use the word covenant in our congregations?  No, not exactly.

James Luther Adams wrote of covenant in our UU tradition: “The covenant includes a rule of law, but it is not fundamentally a legal covenant. It depends upon faithfulness, and faithfulness is nerved by loyalty, by love.”

I compare it to marriage, and two different ways to think about marriage.

Katie I have a marriage license from the state that is really a contract.  A marriage license gives all 

sorts of legal and financial rights and responsibilities to the couple—things related to state matters like taxes, and how things get split up if you divorce, etc. (Believe me, not having access to this legal contract for so long makes it really apparent what is at stake with a marriage license.)

This marriage contract is really important for lots of reasons, but I don’t think of that marriage license as my marriage covenant.  Our marriage covenant happens to be represented by a large framed statement with over 100 signatures on it – the people who were present as a community to witness our vows in 2005 and affirm our relationship in love. 

But even that document isn’t the covenant itself.  Our marriage covenant is something that gives definition to our relationship, guides our relationship, and gets re-negotiated, in the spirit of the love, as we live our lives. 

I think some folks consider a marriage more like a contract than a covenant – I’ll give you this if you’ll give me that.  I’ll be this for you for ever and for always, as long as you don’t change.

Yet many people have an experience of marriage that is expansive, that allows for growth, freedom, and change within the bonds of a committed relationship.  The covenant provides a container for the relationship, some mutually agreed-upon boundaries within which, hopefully, a bond of two people is life-giving and loving and flexible and full of grace and understanding—at least most of the time!  Different people decide very different boundaries for their marriage covenants, but as long as they are intentional and clear and explicit, it’s not so much the content of the agreement that matters but that it is rooted in the spirit of love.

As Rev. Lisa Ward writes,

“A covenant is not a definition of a relationship; it is the framework for our relating. A covenant leaves room for chance and change, it is humble toward evolution. It claims: I will abide with you in this common endeavor, be present as best as I can in our becoming. This calls for a level of trust, courage and sacrifice that needs to be nurtured, renewed and affirmed on a regular basis.”

Covenanted free churches with congregational polity make a bold claim, that takes a lot of intention and practice to bring to reality:  it is our very covenant with one another, being bound together, that leads to greater freedom, spiritual growth, and power. 

Today I want to talk about two ways our covenant helps us find freedom.

Through setting some boundaries and expectations, a framework for our relationships, our covenant:

1 --helps us know how to play together

2 --helps us grow spiritually, sustaining our empathy with and for one another

In a couple of weeks there will be a Part II of this sermon, and I’ll talk about ways our covenant helps us find freedom by organizing our power so that we can make an impact on this world.

Playing together with full participation

I invited you during the Time for All Ages to think about our congregational life as a great big cooperative game. We make serious commitments to each other but if we aren’t having fun as we go….who wants to be part of that?  It’s the rules of the game and the boundaries of the field of play that allow for playful, creative fun.  It’s the rules of the game that allow for equal participation.

Last weekend I played a whole lot of Uno with a certain 5 year old as well as a couple of 8 year olds. 

Sometimes it takes a kid a while to grasp the rules of the game.  Sometimes a kid is playing for a totally different reason than my adult reasons, not for the interesting strategy or open-endedness of the game, but to win no matter what—in which case the rules just don’t matter as much!

It is a great leap forward to be able to play a game with a child when they know, understand, and follow the rules—because then we can actually enjoy playing the same game.  And maybe, it gives the child a little more satisfaction at beating me, I don’t know!

As a relatively new congregation about 10 years old, we live with this tension:

--We are not old enough yet to have too many areas where we say “well, that’s just the way its always been done.”  Believe me, this is a blessing.  And frankly, I hope we never get there.

--Yet, we are young enough that there are some official structures and policies that are still in development, or that are on paper but we haven’t quite figured out how to live up to them. This is OK and normal because we are still forming ourselves. But we’ve got to be up front about it.  It can be confusing to some newer folks who join us, especially those who have been part of older, bigger, more established congregations.  When folks walk in our doors they want to know:  how do I join in the play here?

In 2014 this congregation gathered for conversation and reflection and worked together on an explicit articulation of some of the agreements and expectations we would aspire to live out, based on our congregational covenant – it begins with the affirmation that we speak together in worship each week:  “love is the spirit of this fellowship…” 

This covenant provides basic rules, the container of our cooperative game.  Our mission, our structure, our governance, our planning, our financial decisions, our actions, our interactions with one another, all rooted in this.

Let me give you an example, pertinent to Stewardship season: 

Some congregations have a rule that to be a member you have to have some financial contribution on record.  Could be $5, but it has to be on record.  Our congregation does not have such a specific rule at this time, but we do have an expectation, that all will give as they are able of their time, talent and treasure.  I believe this is rooted in our covenant with one another—service is our blessing, to help one another is our great covenant.  We are not funded nor controlled by some group outside of ourselves—in our covenant we are dependent on each other and accountable to each other. 

Think about this:  other people actually depend on you to show up here on Sunday morning as an expression of love within our covenant.  No one says, if you don’t show up you’ll be thrown out!  That’s not how we roll.  But we want to play a fun and serious game together, and we can only do it to the extent that each one of us shows up to play.

The more we each live up to that covenantal expectation, to be in loving and generous relationship with one another, the more fun we can have serving our mission in this world. 

As you all consider what your financial contribution to this congregation will be in the coming year, I hope you will keep these two things in mind:  What does our covenant mean to me?  How much fun do we want to have this year?

My challenge to all of us is to have 100% participation in supporting the financial needs of this congregation.  That every single one of us gives as we are able, not because some rule says we have to, but because we recognize our covenantal relationship with one another and how important it is that we play our part.

Alice Blair Wesley: “When you sign the membership book of a covenanted free church, you are not signing any list of propositions, such as make up a creed: “I believe this, that, the other and maybe forty-'leven other things.  To join a free church is to sign a promise that may sound simple - it should sound simple - but which, if you “keep covenant,” brings you into intimate companionship with others who have promised to live with all the integrity you and they can together muster, in all the years of your lives.”

Sustaining empathy with and for one another

So, if that commitment sounds a little too much, a little too committed to you, here is the balance to it. The second way our covenant helps us find freedom together is by helping us find and sustain empathy for one another through setting boundaries.  And here I want to bring in the reflection we heard from Brene Brown.

When we say “Love is the Spirit of this Fellowship”  what do we think that means?

--Does it mean always putting others’ needs before your own?

--Does it mean we must give unendingly?

--Does it mean that we are doormats or remain silent when someone else’s actions are hurtful to us?

--Does it mean that we just give others a pass when we see that they aren’t living up fully to our covenant?

Nope, nope, nope, and nope.

Brene Brown says a boundary is simply being clear what is OK and what is not OK for me.  It is a posture of respect for self and others at the same time. 

In family systems thinking it is called self-differentiation—I stand where I am, you stand where you are, we don’t have to be in the same place, but we stay connected—we can see and touch each other, we listen and learn from each other.

The alternatives are to be fused with another person or organization or to be cut-off –

Fused--to be unable to define yourself, to set aside your opinions or desires in order to simply keep harmony.

Cut-off – to totally disengage from relationship because you don’t like the other person, or were hurt by them, or don’t like their stance, or don’t like that they won’t join you standing where you are.  To walk away from the game; take your balls and go home. 

Each one of us at any given time are more or less fused or cut-off or self-differentiated with those around us.   Put another way, we have more or less defined boundaries.

Our full congregational covenant as we currently express it has some really good, specific guidelines for setting boundaries with one another.  The one I want to highlight today:

·       to speak our truth in ways that honor other people’s truths, to communicate directly with one another whenever possible, and to assume the best intentions of others,

It’s another way of saying Brene Brown’s BIG-  Boundaries, Integrity, Generosity

Boundaries – to speak your own truth while honoring other people’s truths;  We realize that we can 

still Love one another even though we disagree.  We communicate in Loving but clear, not always sweet, ways.  A boundary is not dependent on sweetness, it is not about making nice, but it is dependent on being fiercely Loving of self and others.

Integrity – communicate directly with one another.  To have integrity means to carry who you are to others, even if it’s scary; your inner commitments and outer actions align.  So if you have something to communicate about another person – go talk to that person.  Not someone else in the congregation.  And not your minister, unless you want your minister to help you go talk to that person.  I am happy to listen and to help people figure out a way forward in your relationships.  I am not happy to be your go-between or to fix things for you.  Our covenant calls us each to our own responsibility for that.

Finally, Generosity – meaning having generous assumptions about each other, assuming the best intentions of others.  It is a deep and challenging spiritual practice to remember that people are not being annoying just to make our life difficult.  Take a deep breath and remember that we are all doing the best that we can.  Assuming best intentions may actually enable me to go talk to a person about why what they did or said was hurtful; or why not living up to a commitment impacted me.  “Of course you didn’t mean to hurt me; you were acting out of your best intentions, but you still impacted me, and let me tell you why.”

When we say in our mission statement that we encourage one another in spiritual growth this is one of the primary ways it happens in a covenantal community, through our boundaried, full of integrity, and generous relationships.

We seek the freedom to grow and change in and through relationship. I can be me, you can be you, I can feel with you – have empathy with you --- but I do not take on all of you or your problems or your desires as my own.

Just as I challenged you to think about our covenant as a guide for our financial commitments, I want to challenge you this month to think about our covenant as you engage with and interact with one another.  What difference does it make to you and our congregation?  If you don’t see it making a difference, what would it take for our covenant to make a difference?

Finally, I want to acknowledge that covenants can be and are broken, but it is the affirmation of our faith that they can be repaired and redeemed in and through the creative Love that holds us all.

Closing from Rev. Lisa Ward:  “The courage within this covenant is in the acceptance and celebration of life, with all of its challenges, pain, ironies and joys. And the sacrifice within this covenant is in the letting go of dogma, of assumptions, of control—and giving over to a greater wisdom which comes to us in bits and pieces.

The task of this covenant is to take responsibility for the freedom we espouse. We know that we are interconnected and that what we do creates ripples of hope or despair, of affirmation or negation. What we do with and for one another is powerful and beyond our imagining.”

Amen.