2019.9.22 The Shelter of Each Other

2019.9.22 The Shelter of Each Other

Rev. Laura Bogle                    Foothills UU Fellowship

Wisdom Story: The Grumpy Gecko  https://www.uua.org/re/tapestry/children/wonder/session1/grumpy-gecko

We are a community that is not afraid to name our idealism.   

We say:  Love is the Spirit of this Fellowship.

We say: We re-commit ourselves to being a place of life-saving welcome for all people, no exceptions.

We say our covenant is  To dwell together in peace, to seek the truth in love, and to help one another.

It rolls off the tongue and sounds really nice. 

We’d like to build the world a home, and furnish it with love. 

But what if someone just really annoys the hell out of you?

Or what if someone says or does something that really hurts you—whether they are aware of it or not?

And what if that hurt has something to do with your identity – what if someone says or does something sexist, or homophobic, or transphobic, or racist, or ageist, or ableist – most likely not aware of it, not intending harm, but the harm is still done.

Or what happens when we have genuine disagreement about the way things should be done or what is most important or any other Big Question?

When we come into this congregation, we come with all our own expectations for a sanctuary, high expectations to find a safe place of belonging and acceptance and peace.

But what we actually find, I hope, are authentic human beings.  Beautiful and also flawed, and also fundamentally all very, very different from one other.  All of us bringing the experiences of how ever many years we have lived on this earth.  All of us with at least a slightly different take on what would actually feel like sanctuary, for me.

How do we shelter each other’s humanity, even when we are in a place of disconnection – feeling annoyed, frustrated, hurt, or simply disagreeing with one another?  How do  we build a home, a sanctuary of love, that doesn’t gloss over conflict?

As Unitarian minister James Luther Adams said, church is a place we get to practice being human.  We get to practice what it means to be imperfect people who don’t always live up to our ideals.  We actually get to be on a journey of growth.  In fact, this congregation expects each one of us to be on a journey of growth – it’s right there in our mission statement : to encourage one another in spiritual growth.  That doesn’t just mean going off and meditating or reading spiritual stuff.  That doesn’t mean an always peaceful path As I’ve said before – as Unitarian Universalists, our most central spiritual practice is the practice of being in covenantal relationship with one another.  Being flawed, imperfect human beings who nonetheless have made a commitment to journey to together.

I want this congregation to be a place of radical welcome and hospitality, for all of who we are. Come, come whoever you are—and the line that we usually don’t sing – though you’ve broken your vows a thousand times, come yet again come.  

And that means working at it, it means engaging with one another even when—especially when—things are hard.  It means a kind of courage and commitment to stick it out with one another, knowing that in the end we need one another more than we usually know.

So, what can we learn about good community and communication practices from our Wisdom Story this morning?  I want to pull out a few lessons about Grumpy Gecko – using our congregational covenant and some other tools.

In our story about Grumpy Gecko this morning, gecko was just really annoyed with the fireflies.  He had reason to be -- They were keeping him from his sleep.  So what does he do?  He goes to talk to someone else to solve his problem for him.  “Tiger, you have more power and authority than me, can you just take care of the fire flies so I can sleep?”

In family systems theory, this is called triangulation.  It’s not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it can really help to bring in a third person when the stress or friction or anxiety between two parties has become too intense.  And sometimes, it can just serve to spread the anxiety around.  Gecko complains about the fire flies, and gets to pass his anxiety off to Tiger.  It’s now Tiger’s problem to solve.  And he goes from animal to animal all night just trying to get to the bottom of the conflict.

The problem with this is that Gecko never has to actually engage with the fire flies. 

Gecko just gets labeled “grumpy” and taught a lesson about the interdependence of life.  Which I think, honestly, is very unfair.  I mean, if I couldn’t sleep at all at night, that would be a real problem and I’d have some real feelings about that.

Our congregational covenant asks us to communicate with one another directly.  So what could happen if, instead of Tiger going to talk with the fireflies, Gecko went to talk with the fireflies.  Maybe Tiger goes with Gecko to talk to the fireflies for some moral support. 

Let’s imagine how that conversation could go, and I want to use a tool to guide us in imagining that conversation—the tool of nonviolent communication.

There are 4 steps to Nonviolent Communication, sometimes called Compassionate Communication, a process of dialogue developed by Marshall Rosenberg.  First I want to say that what I find most helpful about this process is the reflection it asks me to do before I ever begin a conversation.

1.     The first step is to simply observe behavior without judgment.  This is very, very hard!  We are constantly making up stories in our head about other people’s behavior.  NVC asks us to stop that, and simply stay with the observation.

For gecko, that would mean trying to stay with the facts: the fire flies are lighting up at night.  That’s it. No story about why.  No story about how they just don’t want me to sleep.  No story about how the fireflies want to annoy me. Simply: the fire flies are lighting up at night.

2.     The second step is to identify and own your own feelings. So, friends, let’s think of some feeling words for gecko. 

a.     Angry

b.     Frustrated

c.      Resentful

d.     Irritated

3.     The third step is to share your own needs or values.  Underneath every feeling there is a need. I feel happy because my need for love is being met.  I feel lonely because my need for companionship is not being met.  Gecko’s needs might go something like: 

a.     I need sleep because I have a big day tomorrow

4.     The fourth and final step is to make an honest request, and be willing to hear ‘no.’

a.     Would you be willing to move away from my bed?

Gecko: I feel frustrated when you are lighting up at night near me because I need to sleep and rest for a big day tomorrow.  Would you be willing to move away from my bed?

You get the idea?  The point is not to use this process to magically get what you want.  Ideally, fireflies are also able to identify their feelings and needs and requests. They might say, “We feel proud when we light up because we value passing on the warning from woodpecker.  We value being good neighbors in that way.”

Our congregational covenant asks us to speak our truths, and at the same time listen to and honor other people’s truths.

We are always in an ecosystem of sometimes competing needs and values—if we are able to get at those underlying needs and values, rather than making up stories about each other, we open a space of compassion and deeper understanding for self and the other.   We can shift from “she’s just doing that because she’s mean or incompetent or because she doesn’t like me…” to a place of empathy and compassion. 

Think about a relationship you are in right now where you may be experiencing some challenges—is there a way using this process might help you in communicating with that person? 

The final connection I want to make with this story has to do with good intentions.  Our congregational covenant says we will assume the best intentions of others.

This guideline is part of not making up stories about other people.  When I observe someone’s behavior that is annoying or hurtful to me, if I’m able to remember to assume their best intentions it helps me to get curious and ask questions, to wonder about their own needs and motivations.  To not assume that they have it out for me or intended to annoy or hurt me. 

AND.  I want to invite us to add a second part today which is to take into account impact alongside intent. 

The fireflies did not intend to keep gecko awake all night.  In fact, they had really good intentions – to amplify the warning of the woodpeckers.  But their good intentions do not cancel out the actual impact they had on gecko.  Gecko had a real experience of his sleep being disrupted, and just saying that the fireflies didn’t intend harm doesn’t make it right or better.  Buffalo was leaving his manure all over the path – now, he had really good intentions, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was you know what  all over the place.

What one person might think of as being helpful, another person might experience as harmful. 

Example:  principle at the school

We are not a homogenous community, thank God!  We say we want to celebrate all the kinds of diversity among us.  Some of us carry more power or privilege than others, because of an identity we hold.  When a woman or a young person or a trans person or a person of color says – hey, I know you didn’t mean any harm, but what you said or did was harmful to me—can we hear it and accept their experience?

Can we, in community, both hold the good intentions of one another and take responsibility and acknowledge the unintended but real impacts we have on one another?

So, I’ve shared several practices for us. 

1.     Communicating directly with one another

2.     Not making up stories about other people, but identifying our own feelings and needs, so that we can ask for what we need and understand more deeply another’s perspective.  Honoring our own truths as well as the truths of others.

3.     Assuming the best intentions of others AND taking responsibility for the impact we have on others, even if our intentions were good.

I am calling them practices because they take life-long attention.  All of these practices require a certain kind of courage—the willingness to be vulnerable, the willingness to let down some defenses, the willing to be changed-- even transformed-- in relationship with other people.  This is not always comfortable, nor does it always feel safe. 

Some communities have begun talking about creating brave space instead of or in addition to safe space.  In the words of Rev. Ellen Quaadras:  Brave space is “where we call each other to more truth and love, where we are willing to examine what we think we know, and become open to changing our minds, literally changing them, and in so doing, changing ourselves.”

Finally, we are all called to be Tiger sometimes.  To get up on top of the mountain for a bigger view and perspective, to see the beautiful if messy connections among us, and to remember that we gather together in the service of a greater whole, a greater vision, a Love that is greater than any one of us.  We need one another in ways we often don’t know.  In sharing both our love and our struggles, we will create a stronger shelter with and for one another.  A true sanctuary, a sanctuary of courage, a sanctuary for transformation, a sanctuary for our humanity.  Only then will we be that place of life-saving welcome for all people.

I end with this Invitation to Brave Space

By Micky ScottBey Jones     

Together we will create brave space

Because there is no such thing as a “safe space”

We exist in the real world

We all carry scars and we have all caused wounds.

In this space

We seek to turn down the volume of the outside world,

We amplify voices that fight to be heard elsewhere,

We call each other to more truth and love

We have the right to start somewhere and continue to grow.

We have the responsibility to examine what we think we know.

We will not be perfect.

This space will not be perfect.

It will not always be what we wish it to be

But

It will be our brave space together,

and

We will work on it side by side

May it be so. Amen.